A Therapist and Her Anxiety
I know it can be uncomfortable to talk about your therapist’s mental health and probably for good reason. Your sessions should be about you and your mental health. If your therapist talks about a technique that’s worked for them or refers to their own mental health, it should be brief and purposed in helping you. However, this doesn’t mean that therapists don’t struggle with their own mental health. In fact, I would argue that some of the best therapists probably went into the field because they at one point needed help themselves and found themselves in a therapist’s office. And, in fact, ideally, your therapist is actively in therapy or at least goes to therapy for a check in occasionally.
My hope is that we can get over the awkwardness of talking about the mental health of mental health professionals and actually normalize the need for therapy across all professions -especially the helping one’s! What I’m sharing today does feel a little vulnerable especially if any current or past clients are reading this (If so, Hi! ). However, I truthfully wouldn’t share anything here that I don’t mind my client’s knowing about my life. Yes, I am a therapist and yes, I have anxiety.
While I did have an overwhelming amount of anxiety as a small child, it wasn’t until high school when I started to 1) become more aware of it and 2) use unhelpful coping mechanisms for it. When I was in high school, I was what many adults in my life referred to as the “star student.” I worked my butt off to get A’s, I was involved in every extracurricular activity and then some, and my type-A personality got along with adults very well. What most adults did not see was a panicked 16-year-old who felt like if she didn’t do all of these things – the A’s, the sports teams, the plays, the social maturity – she was a failure. I did not have the words to tell the safe adults in my life that I was not over-performing because that was fun for me but because my anxiety told me I had to be perfect or at least as close to it as I could get.
Unfortunately, this mindset followed me into adulthood. Actually, the older I got, the more rigid my mindset became. The straight A’s turned into showing up for work thirty minutes early every day, staying late, and being available 24/7. Supervisors and bosses loved me! I was given names such as over achiever, hard worker, and constantly told I was so mature for being a young professional. At the time, I felt like that if these things were true then I couldn’t be honest and share what was happening inside of me. I was losing sleep over fear of forgetting something. I was exhausted from balancing a life of seeming perfection. Essentially, I wasn’t who they thought I was.
It wasn’t until I began seeing a therapist with my partner that I was able to begin processing how my anxiety had piled up over time and began to be too much for me. I had been experiencing panic attacks for years and never had a word for them. With the support of my partner and therapist, I began to process some of the reasons why anxiety had taken control of my life.
Now that I myself am a mental health professional, I see similar patterns in clientele quite often. I can now recognize that those with high functioning anxiety are actually the over-functioning members of society, which unfortunately is too often praised. When we’re constantly praised for a behavior, there are actual pathways in our brain that are created that make us think that this behavior is good or else we wouldn’t be praised for it (Think the episode of the Office where Jim gives Dwight a mint every time his computer turns on – same concept!). I was praised for breaking my back to please others and making sure I lived up to their expectations for me. This sent me the message that in order to be good, I had to be perfect.
When I began to realize that being perfect just simply wasn’t an option for me, I felt the freedom of letting go of other’s expectations for my life. I could be who I was and not have to be ashamed of it – in fact, I could celebrate my true self! I no longer needed to lose sleep over my to-do list or read other people’s minds in what they needed from me. Instead, I could now ask them what they need and then tell them what I can and can’t do. The more boundaries I was able to communicate to others, the more I was actually able to flourish because I wasn’t constantly living in fear that I was going to mess up.
What is perhaps most unfortunate for those of us with such perfectionistic tendencies is that we’re often made to believe that asking for help isn’t acceptable when in reality asking for help is often the only way out of such rigid thinking patterns. Whether it is seeing a therapist, asking for support from loved ones, or getting on medication, there is no shame in getting the help that you need. Had I not found myself in that therapist’s office for varying reasons, I am not sure that I would have been able to be in the field that I am in today. I of course still experience anxiety and often refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist, but I am able to challenge the unhelpful thinking patterns when they make their way into my brain. I can remind myself that those old pathways are closed now and therefore, my thoughts must take a new route in my brain. The new route is less rigid. It reminds myself that I am a human who makes mistakes and it is ok to ask for help. As long as my thoughts are traveling on that new route, then my anxiety isn’t at the wheel anymore.
Helpful Anxiety Hacks:
Ask yourself, “Is there a specific area I am overwhelmed in right now?” And if so, “Who can I ask for help with this?”
Set intentional breaks for yourself – take that full lunch hour and step away from your computer.
Move your body – the more we integrate our body into the mental health process, the stronger those new pathways in our brain can be! This can look like stretching, yoga, taking a walk, going to the gym, etc.
Journal – This one might be tough if you’re struggling with perfectionism but it is one of the greatest tools I have used with clients struggling with anxiety. If journaling seems daunting, I encourage you to set a “worry time” each day where you write out what you’re anxious about. The rest of the day, when a specific worry pops up, remind yourself that it is not worry time yet and you can think about that during worry time later today. When worry time comes, set a timer for 10 minutes and that is the time where you get to actively worry about these things while writing about them. When the timer goes off, that is it. The rest of your worries can wait for tomorrow during worry time!
Play “Could Anything Else Be True?” I often play this game in sessions with clients. When we have a really big scary thought (like “I’m going to fail my big test this week”), we want to challenge that thought – we can do so by asking ourselves “could anything else be true?” Could it be true that I have studied really hard and pass or fail, I’m going to do my best? Could it be true that I’m putting extra pressure on this test? Could it be true that even if I do fail, I can ask for extra credit or can retake the test? Could it be true that I might pass on the first try? These are just some examples of what else could be true.
I would love to hear from you on what coping mechanisms have worked for you and your anxiety!
