Navigating The Holidays
The Holidays… for some they’re welcomed and represent tradition, happy memories, faith, and family. For others, they’re dreaded and represent grief, heartache, busyness, and trauma. Whether you’re celebrating any end-of-year holidays this year or not, we live in a culture that tirelessly promotes the commercialism of it all (que A Charlie Brown Christmas) so there will likely be reminders nearly everywhere you turn. If you’re reading this, take this as your yearly reminder to take a break from the expectations the holidays may hold for you. It has been my experience that when there are unrealistic expectations in any capacity in life, we often dread it whether “it” be a relationship, event, or job.
So, let’s pretend like there are no expectations for the last 6 weeks of the year. What would you do differently? Would you not see some loved ones? Would you spend less money? Would you get more rest? Would you celebrate at all? Would you establish a new tradition? When I think about this time of year with this new thought process, I can imagine a time that could actually be pretty peaceful for me.
Peace is often on the other side of our discomfort. What I mean by this is that often to be at peace with ourselves, we may have to live through some temporary discomfort. I imagine that within this context the discomfort may look like letting go of other’s expectations. This may involve some uncomfortable conversations or may feel like letting some people down. The good news is that they are responsible for their feelings and you are responsible for yours. No one else will do the work for you to be at peace with yourself this holiday season.
Some language I have used when having these conversations is:
“I know we usually do things a certain way but this year, I will be doing X,Y, and Z instead.”
“I decided to make this year look differently! I would appreciate you respecting my decision even if that affects your plans in any way.”
“I am not feeling up for the same traditions this year. Maybe it will be different next year, but I’m going to try something new this year to see if it helps me.”
“I have been doing some reflecting and realize that I only participate in some traditions because of expectations others have placed on me so this year I am going to be more intentional with only taking part in what I actually want to do. I hope you can understand.”
“We won’t be traveling this year. I know it may be disappointing for you, but we need to do what’s best for us this year.”
A lesson I have learned when having difficult conversations like these is that my job is to do two things: 1) Communicate in a helpful way where the other person at least has a chance of responding well. If they were to not respond well to any of the above statements, that is on them and not on me. But if I were to be unclear about it or communicate in an aggressive way, it would be understandable for them to react poorly. 2) It is my responsibility to hold these boundaries once I set them. I will in fact probably have to re-set them a few times but no one else is going to do it for me. And after all, I am the only one who can do the work to be at peace with myself.
I would encourage you to take the process one step further and set intentions for yourself in replacement of whatever expectations you’re letting go of. Intention-setting is a practice often used in meditation and mindfulness. I, myself, often practice it before a session with a client. Sometimes my intention is to listen with an open mind, sometimes it’s to try a specific new skill, and sometimes it is to simply be present throughout the session. Within this context, I would encourage you to imagine what your intention will be now that you are free from some expectations. My own intentions vary year to year during the holiday season, but below are some that I have used with examples of how I would think about it or even talk about it:
Rest – “This year, I am focusing on rest and making it a priority for the next six weeks. Because of this, I will not commit to early morning or late-night commitments.”
Fun – “I want the last six weeks of the year to be marked with fun. I will do my best to foster a fun atmosphere whether at home or participating in activities.”
Mindfulness – “I want to be present for the last six weeks of the year. This may mean that I need to be more intentional to listen to my body and say no to commitments when I know I can’t be present. I will be more intentional to put away my phone and be curious about the lives of my loved ones while I’m with them.”
Financial Freedom – “This year, we are intentionally aiming towards financial freedom going into the new year. I will not overspend and will instead brainstorm more affordable ways to celebrate.”
There are undoubtedly countless intentions you could set going into the holidays, but these are some of my favorites. I have found that when I not only set boundaries to manage other people’s expectations but also set my own intentions, I am able to enjoy myself in new ways, have less anxiety surrounding the holidays, and ultimately feel greater peace.
What are some boundaries you’d like to set going into the holiday season? What are some intentions you’d like to try out this year? I’d love to hear from you!
