How Becoming a Parent Has Changed My Work as a Therapist

Last year I became a parent. I spent nine months carrying my sweet baby. These nine months were both “magical and miserable” as Queen Taylor would describe them. By the time I got to my last trimester, I was practically crawling (both physically and metaphorically) to the finish line. As a therapist, I was quite focused on how my physical being was affecting my clients. I would notice my strained breaths as my baby pushed up against my rib cage in sessions. I would feel horrible having to reschedule or cancel sessions due to doctor’s appointments and the physical toll the pregnancy was taking on my body. At one point, I even had more than one client comment on how I was sitting further back from the screen due to my growing belly! I was very much so looking forward to not being pregnant anymore so that none of this would impact my long-term work with clients. Because of this, you can imagine how surprised I was when I returned from maternity leave a few months later and slowly started to notice just how much the process of parenthood began to impact my work with clients.

While I am still the same therapist I was pre-maternity leave, I have also noticed that my constantly evolving style with clients has taken a turn I didn’t expect. Perhaps the most defined shift I have noticed is the realization that many people are in therapy now because their parents failed them somehow throughout their childhood. While I logically knew this before, that knowledge has turned into a deeper level of empathy as well as a new understanding on what it means to fail your own kid. I generally prescribe to the belief that everyone is doing the best that they can in any given moment (aside from abuse). However, being a parent now, it has only become more difficult for me to empathize with parents who have failed their kids in big ways.

            Now, just to be clear: I am sure I have already failed my kid in more than one way and he is not yet a year! I am not talking about occasionally getting frustrated, letting your kid eat more sugar than is ideal, or offering extra screen time when you need a break. What I am talking about is shaming your kid for their emotions, using manipulation tactics to get the end result you want, and patterns of emotional and/or physical trauma. There is a stark difference between a parent doing their best and failing at times because they are human and a parent who claims their best parenting is actually a form of trauma.

            I am a firm believer that most of what happens to us in childhood is out of our control while once we hit adulthood, it becomes our responsibility to heal our childhood wounds. As a parent myself now, I can’t help but sit in sessions with clients and imagine my sweet baby talking to a therapist one day (I assume this is a matter of when and not if). What will he say when he finds himself sitting in front of a mental health professional? My hope is that if I achieve my goal as a parent, he will be in therapy despite my efforts as a parent and not because of them.

            My goal as a parent is for him to feel and know two things to be true at all times:

1.     He is loved. Deeply, freely, and loudly for who he is. He doesn’t have to do anything to earn my love.

2.     He is safe. While I can’t always keep him physically safe, I want him to know that he is emotionally safe in our home no matter what. Of course, keeping him physically safe, especially while he is young, is also a big goal of mine!

If I am successful at these goals (even if only 90% of the time), I know that his mental health is something that I am prioritizing in our home. Unfortunately, this is not the case for the vast majority of clientele that seek services. I often find myself wondering (sometimes aloud) in session:

What if their parents had prioritized their love and safety above all else?

What if “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” were spoke often and loudly?

What if there was instant acceptance when their child had something big to tell them?

What if community was prioritized?

What if being kind was more important than the grades they got or how well they played in a game?

What if their body wasn’t the most important thing about them?

What if “punishment” didn’t mean physical harm or emotional abuse but instead an opportunity for connection?

I could go on and on and on. But I digress. So, other than being acutely aware of these dynamics, how else has my work as a therapist changed since becoming a parent?

-I have relied more on the emotional corrective experience than ever before. The emotional corrective experience or ECE is a foundational technique in therapy where by the therapist acts as a corrective experience for the client such as being the parent they never had. No, I don’t pretend to be my client’s parent (many of them are older than me!). However, I do allow my own reactions and behaviors towards them to come from a nurturing, emotionally safe place as a gentle parent would. This creates a corrective experience for many people.

-I utilize inner child tools more than ever before. This often looks like asking, “how would you respond to you if you were your parent?” I love this question especially for clients who are not parents! Or, “let’s imagine you were told ‘I love you’ in childhood – what would be different now for you?” I am careful with these prompts as we don’t want to attempt to drink from a fire hose, but I do find them impactful for the most part.

-Lastly, I have found that becoming a parent has given me the gift of slowing down. This is true for my life as a whole, but especially for my work as a therapist. I’m reminded that our work is not meant to be rushed nor do we need to be “productive” every single session.

My son recently learned to turn pages in books (I know, proud parent moment!). As I now wait for him to turn the page in the book, I have found that he likes to take his time on each page. He wants to touch every color, listen to every word I read, and often literally wants to taste the page before he turns it. What if I approached my own work as a therapist how I approach these moments as a parent? Sure, I’m the one with the knowledge and skill of reading the book, but I allow him to set the pace and get as much from the process as he wants. My new goal as a therapist is to do the same for my clients.