All or Nothing Thinking
Throughout my time as a therapist, I have seen many people who tend to fall into patterns of what I call all or nothing thinking. Often, these people tend to have high anxiety and a perfectionist mindset. Even more often, people don’t realize that how they think about the world, and more importantly, how they think about themselves is in an all or nothing sort of way. Many times, this kind of thinking sounds like:
“Why did I work so hard on that paper only to receive a B?!”
“I have to workout every day this week in order to feel good about myself”
“I never want to see that person again”
“My boss won’t be happy with me if I don’t finish all of my work today”
When we lay it out like this, it is not difficult to imagine how unhelpful this sort of thinking can become! When we think in all or nothings, we equate ourselves to machines, unable to account for humanity. This is the result of a capitalistic society that makes us think we need to out-work and hustle even when it is clearly detrimental to our mental health.
Often all or nothing thinking can also be the result of trauma. It is a coping mechanism that gives us the illusion of control. You see, when we have experienced trauma, we can feel like we need to take control of everything in our lives since the trauma probably took away some sense of control in the first place. This is why those with trauma are more likely to experience substance use addictions as well as eating disorders. Both of these are examples of trying to take control of something when everything else feels out of control. And, often both substance use disorders and eating disorders easily fall into all or nothings.
Sometimes, all or nothing thinking is appropriate. I think we could all agree that no violence is better than always having violence. Or, the whole world having world peace is certainly better than no one having world peace. But, when this mindset begins to take over our day to day lives, it can become detrimental. All or nothing will make you forget that some success is better than no success and trying and failing is better than never trying at all.
When working with clients on all or nothing thinking, I often liken our thoughts to being on a spectrum. On one end is working out every single day this week. On the other end is not working out at all this week. When we think in all or nothings, what happens when we inevitably miss one day because we overslept or got called into an unexpected meeting or we have a headache, etc. is that we then throw up our hands and totally give up. We then stop working out for weeks or months at a time because we missed that one workout that one day. We think that if we “failed” once, then there is no point in trying again. When in reality, the middle of the spectrum would say, “I missed one day of working out but that doesn’t mean it’s pointless to try again tomorrow.” And, in fact, it’s healthy for us to rest and take breaks! We are not caring for our body in helpful ways when we pressure it to perform at 100% every single day. However, on the contrary, when we recognize our humanity, we are able to live in rebellion to our all-or-nothing tendencies.
It can feel overwhelming to change our entire way of thinking. However, I would encourage you to not get stuck in all or nothing patterns when trying to combat all or nothing thinking! Let’s start small. What’s one small area that you could reframe your all or nothing thought patterns and behaviors? Maybe it’s with exercise. Or maybe it’s with relational patterns. I, myself, used to create all or nothings in my relationships, feeling like if I disagreed about one aspect of someone’s life, I couldn’t be their friend at all. Now, I have found beauty in the diversity of thought in my relationships while always holding strong to my own boundaries and belief system. Or, maybe you can relate to all or nothings in your work. Do you feel you need to complete everything today in order to feel validated in your work? If so, I would challenge you to walk away from your desk on time today. Work will always be there but your ability to take care of yourself won’t be.
As you’re beginning your journey of challenging your all-or-nothing thinking, I encourage you to remember that you are going to fail at this. At some point, you’re going to fall in a trap of all or nothings and it will feel like it is not worth it to continue to challenge those thoughts. But remember, that is the lie that all or nothing will always tell you! Instead, remind yourself that failing is a sign that you’re human and trying and failing is better than not trying at all.
