People Pleasing: Why We Do It and How to Stop
People pleasing is one of the most common behaviors that I tend to work on with my clients. This toxic behavior is also one that I have battled on and off for my entire life. I call it toxic because it is dangerously dressed up as a cute little tendency or personality trait. But what it ultimately leads to is a denial of self, which is toxic for our self-worth. People pleasing shows up in all different forms and in my experience, it is difficult to be self-aware about this tendency. In my practice, I most often see it show up in the following groups:
Highly anxious people
The most marginalized folks (people of color, people who are differently abled, queer folks, etc.)
Those who grew up in fundamental religions
Trauma Survivors
Unfortunately, other people in our lives will often take our people pleasing tendencies as kindness or flexibility. When in reality, we are too fearful to let them see our true selves. This can happen in small and big moments alike. I remember when I was younger and over at a friend’s house, if the parents asked me what I wanted for dinner, I would often say “I don’t care,” wanting so badly to be seen as “easy” for them to take care of. As I grew older, this habit turned into denying my identity as a queer person and dating a gender that I wasn’t attracted to because it was the norm of my culture to do so. At the time, I thought I would go to the extent of marrying someone I wasn’t attracted to in order to make others happy. This pattern, which is rooted in anxiety, ultimately led to incredibly low self-esteem, making me question myself about what I wanted in life.
Years later, when I would work through my anxiety and accept my queerness for myself, it caused a lot of people to be unhappy with me because they were used to me always bending to their needs. But now, I have learned that I no longer need to be ashamed of who I am and the decisions I make in my life because I am a valuable human being who has the right to their own opinions.
It is without a doubt in my mind that the tendency to people please often creates patterns of shame in our lives. Brene Brown, who is a self-acclaimed shame researcher, says this about shame: “Shame is the warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed and never good enough.” She also says, “Shame is never known to lead us towards positive change.” Essentially, shame always co-exists with low self-esteem and it can never help us change into healthier people. So, the more we people please, the more shame we experience. And, the more shame we experience, the more likely we are to think lowly of ourselves, which hinders change and growth. This is why I call people pleasing a toxic behavior.
Now, if you have already identified yourself as a people pleaser, I imagine it would be pretty easy to feel hopeless right now. But like we already established, the more you feel shameful about this trait, the less likely you are to change it. So, let’s remember that many people walking around this earth are people pleasing. There are doctors who people please, politicians who people please, and even therapists who people please. You are not alone in this and in fact because you are aware of this tendency, you already have an advantage. I often say that self-awareness is the first step in any healing journey.
As I mentioned above, many people fall into the category of “people pleasers.” Current research is actually showing that people pleasing is a trauma response. Just how fight, flight, and freeze are trauma responses so is people pleasing or “fawning.” So, when our brain thinks we are in danger, we will most likely either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This is most common in people who have actually been in danger in some capacity (which is most people) and their brain has had a trauma response.
For example, let’s say I was camping with friends and wondered on my own for a walk. While I was on this walk, I got a little turned around and it started to get dark out. I wasn’t panicking yet, but I knew I needed to find my way back to my friends sooner rather than later. I began tracing my steps back and actually was feeling a little confident that I was getting closer to my friends. Then I hear a snap in the woods. I look up to try to place the sound and see a pair of eyes meeting me. It’s a bear. I try to remember everything I have ever learned about bears and I come to one conclusion: I can freeze and hope he doesn’t notice me, I can physically fight the bear, or I can run as fast as possible. Now, let’s say I run and find my friends. We all leave together and are totally safe. But over the next weeks and months, whenever I am on a hike or take a stroll through Central Park, I find myself to be jumpy and have an increased heart rate. It only takes one snapping sound or the smell of pine to trigger my brain into thinking that I am in danger again. My brain thinks that I need to react in one of the same ways as before by running, freezing, or fighting.
The same is true for any other kind of trauma expect there is one more common response: fawning or people pleasing. This is especially true for victims of abuse. Often, children who were parented by emotionally manipulative or abusive people find that fawning is the easiest way to shut their parents up. They agree and bend to any and every thing their parents do in hopes to keep the peace. These same children grow up to be adults who can’t say no to their boss or partner. Their boss and/or partner don’t even need to be abusive for this to happen because their brain is reacting like they’re in danger again even if they’re not.*
Now, my examples I have given are more extreme examples. If you are a fawner and thinking “but what if I’ve never been abused or had to fight for my life?” this pattern can still be true for you. It may not be so obvious. But what messages did you receive in childhood or that you are maybe still receiving that you need to be good enough or smart enough or strong enough to make other people happy? Maybe these are societal messages or maybe they are more direct from teachers, parents, pastors, bosses, etc.
If you struggle with the fawning response, I would urge you to be intentional with your behaviors. It is mostly helpful to start small. Who is your safest person? For me, it’s my wife. I know I can use the word “no” with her and our relationship will actually be stronger for it. Who can you use no with? Or who can you trust to talk to about this? If no one comes to mind, I would encourage you to make an appointment with a licensed therapist to discuss what options are next for you (You can click here to read my last blog about finding a therapist who is the right fit for you!)
If you take nothing else from this post, I hope that you take away that you are a whole human who deserves to feel safe enough in life to express your feelings. You deserve to take up space on this earth and in your relationships. Instead of always bending to everyone else, let’s be intentional with our “yes’s” and brave with our “no’s.”
*The research I reference in this post is taken from a variety of resources such as Sherry Gaba LCSW (2020), Dr. Perry & Oprah (2021), and Mia Belle Frothingham (2021). If you would like more detail on this research or more resources, please reach out to me directly and I would be happy to provide it for you.
